rina's space

august 28, 2025 @ 02:33 am | est. reading time: 3 - 4 mins | word count 637

it’s almost my birthday and i’m depressed about it

it’s almost that day of the year, the one that brings me one year closer to death lol.

time flies, really flies, doesn’t it now? it feels like 2020 was just yesterday, but we’re nearing the end of 2025 already. i’m not even sure where the past five years of my life went. i don’t remember most of my days, and that makes me quite sad. i’ll be 27 on the 30th of august. which is weird, because mentally i still feel like a teenager lol. and i know this isn’t ideal and is something i need to work on, but oh well.

the past few years made the time feel so distorted. time felt like a continuous string of nothingness. my hours blended into days, which blended into months, and those months blended into years. how the fuck is it almost 2026 already? what the actual fuck? and this is all strange tbh. because in the begining of 2025 for the first two months time felt so normal, in fact, it felt kinda slow. and than out of nowhere it sped up way too quick to the point the 8th month is almost over? how?

i don’t know if i’ve ever spoken about it on this website, but the passage of time scares me quite a bit. it feels like time just goes by, whilist i’m standing stationary. i feel like i’ve wasted almost 3 decades of my life. my teens were uneventful, my 20s too. and it’s not like i don’t want to go and do fun stuff, i quite literally can’t. i live in a small ass town, nothing ever happens here. and going out of the town is usually pricey if its for longer than few hours. i also struggle finding jobs, so i can’t afford anything at all. i haven’t achieved anything in my life so far, anything worth mentioning, and that genuinely makes me feel like a failure. and i’m unsure what to do—like do i force myself to work a shitty job that will make me genuinely fucking depressed, or do i just stay isolated, rotting in my own room? who knows! but i think it’s so embarrassing though how unprepared for life i am right now. people my age are getting married, having kids, not that i want kids anyways, but yeah. a few lucky ones even bougth a house of their own... meanwhile i haven’t even moved out to my own rented apartment, and still live at home. embarrassing right?

every single fucking year on the eve of my birthday i have this overthinking fit about how old i’m getting, how i haven’t acheived anything. how my life is being wasted away… but i guess i’ve never shared one before this publicly lol. i have a really hard time growing up / growing old, and i guess that, in a way, i don’t even see myself as a adult yet. maybe that very fact is something that holds me down? i don’t know. i really don’t. maybe i’m too broken for this world, maybe i just need some more time? maybe i can’t be fixed and i’ll be like this forever? i’m obviosly not “normal” though, not enough, for this world, anyways. and i know some will probably silently judge me, but it is what it is. i just hope that one day, i will be able to stop having those feelings, and maybe, just maybe, for one moment i feel like i’m normal and fullfilled, but until then i guess i will stay this way. i am how i am, and it’s clearly not ideal. the world isn’t built for people like me, and it shows. so the “fix” is to just drop everything and try to fit into world’s expectations. it’s either that, or me staying stuck in this endless loop of nothingness.

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