哈喽！我是璃娜（rina）。是塞尔维亚人。我是失败的学生xswl。i’ve written on this topic once before, before one of my previous countless website wipes. but i really wanna learn chinese. or mandarin to be precise. or to be even more precise the mainland china variation. i’ve tried to learn many times; i’ve quit more times than i’ve tried. but there has always been that itch i couldn’t quite get rid of. i would quit consciously, or most of the times, just forget to check the language learning app. and so the time goes on and on without me actually learning.

months would pass, and then i would be all out of no where, but i wanna learn chinese! and than i’d be hyped again for about a few days, only to quit again lol. that is really a bad habit of mine - not sticking with things. and yes you can absolutely blame me for that, because what the fuck. it is something i want, and yet i don’t want to put the actual effort. isn’t that really pathetic. i’ve been interested in china and mandarin since about the covid era. god, even tho self study ups the difficulty, imagine where i’d be had i been continuously been learning since covid... i’d be actually fluent by now. but no, i can only recognize a few characters, reproduce very little, and only being able to write with IME pinyin input, without having a clue how to write it by hand, or in many cases, even know how to read it back. i’m just winging it, the very tiny limited stuff i know. that’s so embarrassing. but i’ve got no one to blame really, but myself.

for a while my dream was to visit china, and maybe eventually even relocate. i’d even go so far to waste both time and money to get a bachelor degree, just to be able to get a work visa lol. and yeah, i didn’t attend either college nor uni after high school. as for why, let’s not get into details, it’s not important for this topic. but it’s important to note, high schools here are like college-lite, in a sense that each school has its field of study, well a few ones you can choose from. if you translated the “title”, for the lack of the better word, it would be something among the lines of computer electrical engineer of secondary vocational technical school (srb. elektrotehničar računara). so in theory, not completely useless, compared to standard high school diploma. but in practice, it is equally, if not more useless. people with actual degrees struggle to find jobs here, which is kinda sad honestly.

and before you ask, no this isn’t due to the “becoming chinese” or “you’ve found me at very chinese time in my life” memes. no. 不。“成为中国人”是一个愚蠢的meme。 i’ve been interested in china and chinese far before it became a popular thing. and please, don’t take this as ‘im better than you’ kind of thing, i don’t mean it that way. i just want you to understand where im coming from. because for me this is not a recent thing. like i said earlier, it is an itch i can’t get rid of. like at all. and i don’t know why i simply cant stick to it and learn the damn language. i don’t think im stupid. i can do this. im just... honestly... lazy... yeah, that is what it is. and to be honest, i dont even understand why many western countries hate china. and why normal regular people hated china. you aren’t your government you know? you have your own head and the right of an opinion. only because BBC or some other fake news bullshit says china bad, doesn’t mean china is, actually in fact bad. some of you guys only recently gave china a chance. it is really sad in all honesty. it hurts the western world and especially the US that china is gonna overtake their industries in the next 10-15 years max. have you seen their bloody cars for an example. china and my country have been friends for god knows how long, and i’ve never had a negative view of china, yet i kept reading negative things about china for years, because sometimes rather unfortunately, i do speak english. no country is perfect, and maybe certain things that aren’t the point of this post did happen, but for crying out loud china is NOT north korea. yet sometimes western media make them out to be similar.

what do you think? do you have any tips to stick with the language learning? please say it in the comments below!!!! if i could stick with it this time, that would be so cooooool, and neat and all. but i don’t think i trust myself enough to stick with it.